


A Crowded Room Only Ever Makes Me Feel Small

by Beck17



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Feels, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22626691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beck17/pseuds/Beck17
Summary: Henry stood in the room, surrounded by all these people who supposedly knew his father when the reality of what was happening hit him.A short story on what Henry was thinking during his father's wake.Leave a comment or Kudos if you liked the story, thank you for reading x
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	A Crowded Room Only Ever Makes Me Feel Small

All of those crowded in the small palace room knew this day was coming. They tried to ignore it, tried to hide away from it but at every turn, in every moment it made itself known. It was a blazing fire of a fact that refused to be snuffed out. Everyone in the room was here for a wake that no one wanted to attend.

Henry stood in the corner of a room filled with black clothed people wishing and hoping that the ground would give way and swallow him whole. He wished with every broken part of himself he could be anywhere else. No one else in this crazy family knows him like his father does. No one believes in him quite like his father does. Knew, believed, did. God Henry’s got to get used to talking about him in the past. He can’t be gone. He can’t be. 

Henry looked up through glassy eyes and glanced around the room. He watched as all the people present broke up the memory of his father into different versions and tucked them away in their mind with a “Sorry for your loss” and a “I’m sorry he’s gone.” None of their mismatched memories reflected the person Henry’s father was when he was alive. 

Henry could see a stoic Phillip talking in a quiet tone with members of their extended family, the future King shining through. Bea, normally a loud boisterous personality drawing people in was a shell of herself standing near the open fireplace, bringing yet another drink to her mouth. Her eyes were glazed over in a way that made Henry’s spine curl. Something wasn’t right with Bea but no part of Henry was ready to leap to her aid today. No part of Henry was ready to do anything anymore. 

His mother, Catherine, was in the opposite corner of the room with an empty glass in hand standing with her mother, Henry’s grandmother. The latter was talking indistinctly but Catherine wasn’t listening or responding. She hadn’t really said anything lately. Henry tried to talk to her, to force his mother to say anything to him but she had completely shut down in a way no one could prepare a child for a parent to do. Henry didn’t just lose one parent the day his father passed, he lost his mother too. She was still alive but she was gone in a different way and Henry didn’t know how to bring her back. He didn’t know if he could. 

Henry sighed as the reality of his future settled in around him. The unending loneliness. The loss of his parents, of his family. The hiding of who he is from everyone. It was just him now, Henry, Prince of Wales versus the world. Henry’s father had always let him just be whoever he wanted to be but now without him and with his mother in no state to parent anymore, Henry knew every little special part of him, everything that made Henry Henry, would have to be put in a little box and tucked away into a corner of his mind, body and soul that couldn’t ever be found again. He’ll never be strong enough to deal with what was in that box, nor will he ever have the chance to share it with anyone. Not in his position. Not in the way he wants. 

Fresh tears welled in Henry’s eyes. He refused their threat to fall and blinked rapidly, turning his head towards the ceiling. God, how did it get like this? He wanted to make a run for it. The door near him was open, he could run to the other side of the palace to his room, grab his books and his father’s special pen, stuff it all into his backpack and just leave. Phillip was the heir the country would need and he was already living up to both their and their grandmother’s impossibly high perfect standards. They wouldn’t need him. The world would be a better place without me in it, Henry thought to himself. 

But he couldn’t, deep down he knew he couldn’t. Not because of some title or standing in society he never asked for but because his father, his cherished father who chose this royal life and decided to stay, would be disappointed in him. Fight for yourself, his father used to say. Fight for what you want in life, who you want in life. Easy for him to say. He was a Bond star in love with a Princess. Henry was a young royal who wanted...well, it didn’t really matter. It could never happen anyway. A fantasy dream that will remain just that. A fantasy. 

Henry placed the drink in his hand down on the hand crafted gold coffee table in front of him, sidestepping a half a century old chair to make his way out to the balcony. He leant on the railing, looking out into the quiet, chilly London evening. So many out there wanted this life he had inside the palace. The standing, the pompous ceremony, the titles. He’d throw it all away in a heartbeat for one more moment with his father. Just one moment, where he could tell him everything he never got to say. Where Henry could tell his father about his favourite memory with him, that frosty Christmas morning sitting on the back steps of Kensington. Henry and Bea has raided the chocolate and both had stomach aches too early on a day like Christmas. Henry escaped for some fresh air, his dad following him not long after. They just sat there, not saying anything. 

Henry knows now he loves that memory so much because he knew so clearly and strongly in that moment that he wasn’t alone. That his father would be there for anything, even just a little stomach ache. 

And now his father is gone and Henry is all alone.

He let the tears fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another story that just popped into my head, I wrote down and posted. Not much editing has been done. Let me know what you think :) x


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